Backpacking in the Grand Teton Daniel & Virginia




Pushing on

Our hike in the Grand Teton



by Daniel Borgström, with input from Virginia Browning


Out on the western edge of Wyoming you'll find the Grand Teton, a bizarrely jagged range of mountains that rise up sharply from the valley of the Snake River with no foothills in front of them.

And that's where Virginia proposed to go backpacking and camping--a three-day hike along the ridges and canyons of the Teton Range. She'd done that as a teenager, decades ago, and now she wanted to go back and revisit those mountains. Day after day, she studied maps and reports, watched videos, phoned various agencies, and made reservations at various campsites which were certain to be crowded during the summer season.

"You're crazy!" exclaimed Ann Garrison, a close friend and member of our scrabble group. "How old are you? About seventy two, right?" Ann went on to remind Virginia that only weeks before this she'd been flat on her back in bed, recovering from an ailment. "And you're going to take Daniel with you. You're both too fucking old!"

Virginia didn't attempt to assert the reasonableness of her project; she just went ahead with her plans, which included me. I turn eighty four this summer. To me it sounded rather strenuous but feasible. I've done a fair amount of traveling, hiking, and camping in forests as well as deserts -- though never with one of those super-large backpacks. That was new to me, and Virginia hadn't used one for some time either.

To try this out, and get some idea of what it might be like, we rented a pair of packs for a few days, filled them up with ballast, and went on walks with them -- a couple of miles in the park by the bay. Although that was nothing like the rugged mountain trails at 10,000 feet, it seemed like a fair test, and we concluded that we could handle it.

Then, only a few days before we were to leave, I stumbled on the hallway floor and fell, slamming my left shoulder into a door post. It was extremely painful; I could hardly use my arm, and that night I could barely get into or out of bed. "Should we cancel the trip?" Virginia wondered. "Tomorrow I'll see a doctor, and then we'll decide," I suggested.

X-rays showed that no bones were broken. And painful though the injury was right now, it seemed likely that I'd soon be okay. Plans-making continued. Finally, we packed our stuff into the back of the trusty old 2003 Honda van, and set out on the road. We'd sleep in the van as we alway did in most of our travels.

Our itinerary included a loop through northern Idaho where we visited some of my cousins, and then a visit to Yellowstone where we spent about a week, visiting geysers and other hydrothermal spots, some of them so small they looked like a campfire which nobody had bothered to put out. The park and the hydrothermal area is large, some fifty miles wide, and on the eastern side, herds of buffalo often share the roads with cars. Actually, the cars do the sharing and the buffalo have the right-of-way. We saw a line of several dozen autos crawling down a road while a single buffalo strolled along ahead, seemingly unaware of or totally indifferent to the inconvenience he was causing to the human motorists.

Another time we were returning from a day-hike when we saw two buffalo coming towards us on the narrow path. "What do we do now?" We stepped off the path, into a growth of weeds and brush. The buffalo continued on the trail. Then, as they drew near, they left the trail in the other direction, doing essentially what we had done. They walked through the weeds on their side, and once past us, returned to the trail. These animals were huge and fearsome looking, but they seemed willing to share the park with us.

There were also herds of elk, as well as bears and cute little squirrels, chipmunks and even a marmot. Along with seeing the hydrothermal vents and the animals, part of our intention for spending nearly a week in Yellowstone was to acclimatize ourselves to the high elevations where we'd be in the Teton Range. Much of Yellowstone is at around 8,000 feet.

Immediately south of Yellowstone is the Grand Teton. The range runs north-south for a distance of some thirty miles, rising skyward on the western side of the Snake River Valley.

First we had to get our camping permit, and the outcome of that was a major surprise, and not a good one. Two-thirds of back-country camping permits are granted first-come, first-serve the day before the hike, (the first third had been reserved online months before). We got up at 4 a.m., as instructed, to get to the office early, and were second in line. Even so, we didn't get a trail we wanted. In many phone conversations months ahead during our planning, Virginia had been assured the rangers could put together something of what she was looking for. Not factored in were 1) that campers had scooped up second and third days in "our" spot, and 2) possibly the ranger assigning permits this morning was not as creative as the one Virginia had spoken with by phone. The trail we got was apparently a less popular trail that we could've reserved online at any time without having to get up at 4 a.m.

Then we went to Jackson Hole to the FedX and picked up the gear we were renting, and ran some other tasks which took up the rest of the day. Nothing is simple these days. And the next morning we set out on our mountaineering adventure.

The modern backpacks of today are quite sophisticated with a plethora of straps and buckles and adjustments. We filled them with food, a small tent, and other gear including a "bear barrel." This last is a bear-proof food container which backpackers are required to use. And we had to carry a can of bear-spray -- which would hopefully deter charging grizzly bears. There are also smaller brown bears in these mountains, but they tend not to bother humans -- other than to attempt to steal food. This stuff adds up to a heavy load. Someone estimated these packs to weigh 35 or 40 pounds. Well, we didn't weigh them so I really don't know, but they sure felt heavy, and it was a struggle to lift them onto our backs. The weight of the pack is designed to rest on your hips, not your shoulders, and as we tried them out, I found that it didn't seem to interfere with my injured shoulder -- which was now getting much better, though not totally healed.

We hurriedly stuffed things into our packs; everything took longer than expected and it was already well past noon as we set out for our starting point.

The plan was to drive to the trailhead of Granite Canyon; this is where we'd come out at the end of our hike. Here we could park for free. But somehow we needed to get to Teton Village in Jackson Hole, another five miles away. That's where we would start out from. Hopefully, we could hitch a ride. And as it happened, we did. Just as we arrived at the parking lot, a couple was getting into a pickup next to us; we asked them. "Sure, get in," they said.

We tossed our heavy packs in the back of the truck, and hurriedly grabbed a couple of other last minute items including maps.

We arrived in Teton Village, at the base of the Aerial Tramway. This tram/ski lift would take us 4,000 feet up the mountainside from the valley floor -- 6,000 feet above sea level -- to the Rendezvous Mountain Trailhead at 10,455 feet.

So we got in and rode the tram upwards, getting a tremendous view of the valley of the Snake River. On the mountainside we saw a couple of mountain climbers, making this same trip as we were, but doing it the hard way. At the top we stepped out into bright sunlight and a cool breeze, and looked for our trailhead. We expected it to be well marked, but it wasn't. "So let's see the map," said Virginia, and I handed her the topo map.

"Not that one. The other," she said. So I handed her another map, but that wasn't what she wanted either.

"You didn't bring it?" she asked. I'd grabbed the wrong one. We had a topo map, but we also wanted the map that came with our camping permit. We'd also forgotten her jacket. There wasn't time to go back and get those things -- to go back down the tram and to the parking lot 5 miles away. It was already 4 p.m. and it would be dark at around 8 o'clock. We had to get moving.

There was one rather prominent trail, and we guessed that must be it. We saddled up our heavy packs and set out. We'd be basically heading down hill from here, from over 10,000 feet. This was originally planned as an eighteen mile hike down to the valley floor at the mouth of Granite Canyon. As expected, the trail started out down hill.

But was this the right trail? Or maybe not? Should we go back up and look for another trail? Anyway, we continued on, and came to a trail marker which confirmed that we were on the right one. We trudged on, onward and downward, on the narrow mountain trail. I had my trusty compass, but on this switchback trail, north and south didn't mean too much. The only two directions that seemed to really matter were up and down. I hoped we weren't lost.

Although it was downhill, every step I took left me out of breath in the thin air. 10,000 feet is two miles up in the sky. Just for comparison, Donner Pass where the highway 80 crosses the Sierra Nevada is barely 7,000 feet; and there are several passes on highway 50 crossing Nevada which are also just over 7,000. The north rim of the Grand Canyon averages 8,000 feet. Of course several peaks around us -- which we couldn't see from where we stood -- rose to over twelve thousand feet and more, but I can't think of too many places where we'd be up this high.

Of course if you want to think of really high places, there's the Tibetan Plateau, which averages about 15,000 feet. Lhasa is 12,000 feet up.

It was partly to acclimatize ourselves to these elevations that we'd spent that week in Yellowstone, around 8,000 feet high, and maybe that helped somewhat. But thin air wasn't our only problem. We'd been going for maybe an hour when Virginia told me her shoes weren't working out well and it was something neither moleskin nor Band-Aids would alleviate.

That for Virginia is a serious matter; the skin on her feet is extremely sensitive and always in danger of infection. "If I continue like this, they'll have to carry me out," she said. She'd bought her shoes new for this trip, and had tried them out. In trial walks the shoes had seemed to work, but now clearly not on this slippery, sliding mountain trail. Should we go back? It would be a grueling uphill journey behind us to retrace, and it would mean giving up on the project.

I was wearing my usual sandals, rather small ones, as my feet are a couple sizes smaller than hers. "How about if we trade shoes?" That's what we did, and I put on hers which, though large for me, seemed to fit well enough. Fortunately, my sandals seemed to work for her; "Not great, it was like I was wearing thin-soled moccasins," she said afterwards, but they worked. And on we went.

A tremendous amount of research, planning and preparation had gone into this project -- weeks of it -- nevertheless, these unexpected glitches were coming up, one after another. Looking back on it, I suppose that's almost to be expected when trying something new. We had both done a lot of day-hiking, spent time in woods and deserts, in the back country of Utah and other places. We knew this would be difficult, but we thought we could do it.

The first leg of our hike would take us to a permitted campsite after about 3 or 4 miles. But how far had we come? A couple of miles? We were used to taking daily walks and we'd normally cover a mile in about half an hour, but that was on flat ground, and clearly, these mountain trails were an entirely different matter. Although we'd been walking for a some time, we apparently hadn't come very far at all, and were not arriving at a campsite area. This mountainside was sloping, nowhere flat or suitable for camping. Then we came to a bend in the trail, a rockslide and a dry wash. There was a flat space large enough for a tent.

Up ahead, we could see the trail continuing up alongside a mountainside; it didn't seem to offer promising campsites.

"It's getting late. What do you say we camp here?" Virginia said. We probably weren't supposed to camp here, according to our permit, but night was coming on, and so this is where we camped, right at the edge of the wash. If there were to be a cloud burst, at least we wouldn't be in the middle of it, we hoped.

We unwrapped our tent and set it up. It came in two pieces: a mosquito netting type body, and then a rain-proof cover to put over it. I puzzled with the cover; no matter how I did it, it didn't seem to fit. Well, I didn't get it right, but it basically worked.

There were also sleeping mats to inflate and roll out. We made the site workable, though we were sleeping on some rocks. Virginia often describes herself as "the princess on a pea" -- as in the Hans Christian Andersen story, but these weren't tiny peas, these were rocks.

My injured shoulder hadn't bothered me when I carried the backpack, but when I lay down, it hurt painfully whenever I tried to turn over.

Nevertheless, it was a good, cozy tent. Warm enough, and though we'd forgotten Virginia's jacket, it turned out that she didn't really need it. The nights weren't as cold as we'd expected. This was late in August.

In addition to our headlamps, we'd brought a solar lantern; it was perfect for camping. No battery needed, we just had to expose it to the sun each day. And it was very lightweight.

Morning came, daylight. We packed up, cramming our gear into the backpacks. One of the sleeping mats just refused to go back into the small bag it came in.

As we were doing this, there came two backpackers from the other direction. They were women, and they told us they'd come from Idaho across these mountains and had been on the trail for three days now. Truly, they were hardy souls.

And we started out. The trail along the mountainside that we'd seen up ahead of us the night before was more formidable than it had looked. If the mountainside itself was not exactly a cliff, it was damn close to being such. It was steep, very steep. And the trail very narrow. Loose your footing on that, and you'll roll and bounce, roll and bounce, for a good long way down into the ravine below. And the trail was uphill. We were climbing now, and stepping over slippery, loose rocks.

Without heavy packs, this would've been bad enough. But wearing a pack which right now didn't seem to sit well on my back and was likely to pull me from side to side as it swayed, it was scary. I don't like high places, and this trail kept getting us higher and higher above the ravine. Scary! Just scary! I hate high places!

It was a bare steep slope, almost no trees. Nothing to catch hold of if I slipped. I was out of breath; at every step in this thin mountain air I was panting. Just standing up took my breath away.

"Will you ever forgive me for getting you into this?" Virginia remarked. I promised her I would. Of course, this was also my project, not just hers. Nevertheless, weird and ominous songs echoed through my mind, among them the Pete Seeger song: "Waist deep in the Big Muddy, and the big fool said to push on!"

Of course I wasn't waist deep in any river, I was on the edge of a cliff on some endless mountainside out in god-knows-where Wyoming, and high above the bottom of the dry wash below us. There was no water around us, muddy or whatever. I was thirsty. The day was warm but not hot. Nevertheless, no matter how many drinks of water I took, I was still thirsty. We had water in our water bottles. But this mountain was dry. No streams yet.

Push on. Just push on. What else could we do? Except for the current stretch, the way back , the way we'd come would be up, up, up. We couldn't go back the way we came. We just couldn't. Not an option. But now we were climbing, and for how long?

"Are you okay?" we kept asking each other, back and forth. "Yes, I'm fine." At times we paused to rest. And then we saddled up again and pushed on.

There's something about following a trail up a mountainside; it keeps looking as though it's just a bit further and then you'll be on top. But it fools you, and then you keep on climbing.

Eventually, and finally, the trail did actually take us up to the top of a ridge, a somewhat flat one. As we continued on, we eventually came to what should've been our permitted campsite. But it had taken us some time to get here and had we not camped where we had, in that wash back there, darkness would've caught us out on the steep mountainside trail we'd just come up. What would we have done in that situation? It still disturbs me to even think of that.

And so after all this time we'd only come about 3 or 4 miles? We did not seem to be making good time at all. Mountain trails are not easy going. If we stuck to the original intended route, we probably had another fifteen or so miles to go.

We were now meeting hikers coming from the other direction, from where we were going. Some were backpackers, campers like us; others were day hikers, people with light packs who would cover the entire distance in a single day. We'd exchange greetings, and sometimes get info on the condition of the trail ahead. About two thirds of the hikers were women.

The day wore on, sunny but still not hot, just dry and thirsty. Very thirsty. We stopped often to rest, usually taking our packs off. Then we'd have to go through the laborious task of saddling up again. So far we'd seen no creeks flowing with water, though people we met assured us there were creeks up ahead.

Hikers coming from behind were passing us up. It made me feel as though I were getting old as I saw these 25 and 30-year-olds out-walking us. Were we really getting old?

Some of them expressed admiration that people of our age would take on a hike like this. But there were also people who wondered if we could make it. We were resting by the trailside when a father and a daughter coming from the other way asked us if we were okay. John and Lizzy, they introduced themselves, and we spoke for a while. They asked how old we were, and I told them, eighty four. John shook his head, remembering that at that age his father had been laid up and hardly capable of any sort of walking. They asked us to promise to phone them as soon as we came out of the mountains.

They asked us if we had water, which we did, though we were running low, and they gave us a water bottle, which we did not want to accept since they would certainly need it. And we were certain to find water up ahead. But they insisted, and we finally accepted it.

Virginia was hoping to see beautiful views of the unique Teton peaks rising up around us, though she knew we would not see much of them from this trail. We really didn't see any. Sometimes we were in the open and sometimes passing through wooded areas, but we didn't see the towering peaks.

What we did see were canyons, and numerous rock-falls, or slides, such as the one where we'd camped by the dry wash. These rocks of the Teton Range are mostly metamorphic, and are among the oldest in the US; they're 2.7 billion years old -- that's billions, not millions. It's kind of thrilling to pick up a rock and know that you're holding billions of years in your hand.

Nevertheless, picking our way over these mostly sharp rocks two and a half billion years later, we missed some of the views around us.

At around 3:20 p.m. we came to a junction in the trail, with markers indicating that we were now about to enter the lower north fork of Granite Canyon. Here we found ourselves walking on a moraine, a deposit left by glaciers during the ice age. Essentially, the moraine was a huge pile of dirt mixed with jagged pebbles and boulders of all sizes. As we followed it out, we came to where it became large steps or terraces. The ground surface would be flat for a while, then it would suddenly drop down a few feet to a lower level and continue flat again for a bit further, then do the same again, several times. I think this was due to cycles of the glacier advancing and retreating. It was a memento from a glacier that had moved down through this canyon during the ice age which ended some ten thousand years ago.

Finally we came to a creek flowing with water, crossed by a bridge consisting of a single log split in half. Water at last! Using our water filter, we filtered it into our bottles. I have no idea whether that filter may have been a necessary precaution, but we used it anyway.

Night was coming on. It wouldn't get pitch dark till about 8, but it takes a while to set up the tent, and as soon as we found a flat open space, we camped. We carefully took out any stones -- there weren't many. This time I took some time and after some experimentation I figured out how to properly put the upper part of the tent on correctly. Progress! I was very proud of myself! I have to say, it was a good, cozy tent.

This was our second night on the trail. We expected to finish our hike and be out of the canyon the next day. We had already decided to nix the third night of our camping.

Morning. We packed up and set out again. As on the previous day, we met other hikers, more than half of them women. We also met two or three backpackers in their 70s. "This is probably going to be my last hike," a fellow told me. But when I told him I was eighty four, he chuckled and said, "Then I have 14 more years left!"

There were berry bushes around us, and we began to see bear pucky on the trail. Then, "There's a bear," Virginia whispered. And sure enough, there it was, about twenty feet off to the left of us, busily grabbing swaths of berry bushes and shoveling them into its mouth. It didn't pay us any attention.

Soon after that the sky clouded over, and rain began to fall. We took out our ponchos and covered up our packs, but the shower was brief, soon over. Once again, we got up and moved on.

This was now well into Granite Canyon; and our trail crossed numerous rock-falls. Despite the name of this canyon, few of these rocks were granite. Mostly they continued to be gneiss, a metamorphic rock. The granite in the Teton Range is a couple hundred million years younger than the gneiss; but it's still pretty old -- two and a half billion years. That's nearly four times as old as the Cambrian epoch, which began about 540 million years ago.

I've always loved the mountains, but right now my love of mountains was wearing thin, and I wanted to get down out of here just as quick as our aching legs would take us. But Virginia wanted to stop and make breakfast. I guess she wanted to try out our tiny propane camp stove. She added some water and cooked some powdered scrambled eggs; actually, they were quite delicious. She also made some tea, then we packed up and got back on the trail.

It couldn't be much farther to the trailhead now. Hikers we met told us it was about six miles, and six miles shouldn't be all that much. But here we were carrying these heavy packs, and walking on these rocky and uncertain mountain trails made it slower and longer. The day wore on, and I figured we must be getting close, but the trail went on and on. My legs were sore, my thighs ached.

There were no more really steep places such as we'd encountered the morning of the day before above that deep ravine. The whole path, from beginning to end, with some exceptions, was almost consistently downward. That was to be expected; in the course of our hike we were coming from 10,000 feet down to 6,000. I wasn't so short of breath now.

The mouth of this canyon had to be just up ahead, or so I thought. But each time I thought that, the trail went on. The afternoon was wearing on. Four o'clock, then five o'clock and still no end to this trail. My thighs ached more intensely. Virginia likewise. We felt like we were approaching the extreme limits of our endurance.

At long, long last we came to a junction in the trail; a marker indicated that there were only 1.6 miles left. Still over a mile to go? It would soon be getting dark. We trudged on. And on. Legs aching more intensely. It was like the longest mile and a half we'd ever walked, and when we came to the end of that, it turned out there was still more to go. Despite our aches and pains, we were at this point rushing like horses finally on their way back to their oats and hay.

The sun was disappearing behind the mountains as we finally emerged at the trailhead where we'd left our car. We first phoned John and Lizzy as promised, then friends back in California, letting them know we were out and alive. We had not had cell phone service during this hike or for many days off and on before that, but here our phones worked.

The next morning we woke up full of aches and pains; we drove to Jackson Hole where we went to the Fed X and returned the packs and camping equipment we'd rented. That done, we had breakfast at a restaurant. Virginia suggested that after resting up for a day, we take a relatively short day hike over by Jenny Lake, near the entrance of Cascade Canyon. From there we'd get a good view of the lofty mountain peaks among the clouds.


Daniel Borgström, with input from Virginia Browning
September 22, 2025





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The Death of Sgt. Van Dale Todd


I knew several veterans who came back from Vietnam alive and well, but died before their time. One was in his 30s and others in their 50s. I think one or two were in their early 60s, but this is a time and place where people commonly live to 80 or more. It seems likely that their war experience must have had something to do with that. Here is the story of a person who died in his early 20s.

by Daniel Borgström

Back in 1972, near the end of the Vietnam War, I was living in San Francisco, and my friend ex-Sgt. Van Dale Todd, a combat veteran of the 101st Airborne, lived next door in the same building, an old Victorian house out on 29th Street. Sometimes Van would take a notion to hit the wall which separated our apartments with his fist and shout, "Who the fuck would join the Marine Corps?"

I'd yell back, "Airborne sucks!"

"The Marine Corps sucks!" Van'd shout.

"Only two things come out of the sky," I'd yell back again. "Bird shit and fools!"

That was how we said good morning to each other. It was our ritualized greeting.

We didn't set out to live next door to each other; it just happened. One day I discovered that someone had moved into the adjacent apartment and had pasted a peace sign on his door. A day or two later I encountered him on the landing. He was a tall, powerful-looking guy, about 22 years old, with shoulder-length hair and wearing a combat fatigue jacket, similar to mine. He introduced himself as "Van." In the course of the conversation we found that we were both ex-GIs and also, coincidentally, members of the same veterans' anti-war organization.

Van glanced at my door. "You need a peace sign there," he observed. He produced one from his pack and pasted it up. "There," he said, nodding with the satisfaction of seeing a job properly done, "We're going to be a peace family here in this building."

During the weeks that followed, we saw each other almost every day. We attended antiwar rallies together and once even got arrested together. Van told me about his experiences in "Nam," the killing he'd seen and participated in, the stress and the widespread drug use among GIs. "I got this medal for killing two people," he told me, showing me his bronze star, "and when I did it I was high on opium."

Although I'd spent four years in the USMC, I was never in Vietnam. I was both fascinated and also slightly horrified at Van's stories. That was before I ever heard the term "post-traumatic stress disorder," but it was clear that Van had brought some of that violence back with him.

One day he got in a fight with his cat. I heard a terrible racket in Van's apartment and, on going over to see what it was all about, I found that Van was about to whip the kitty with his belt. "The cat's shit was weak!" he told me angrily, meaning that the poor animal had done something to displease him.

I intervened, telling him that if he wasn't going to be kind to his pet, I'd take the animal away from him. It was a plea rather than a threat. Van was a big man who could easily have broken me in half had he wished to, but he relented, took the animal gently in his arms and said, "I love my cat."

Van did love his cat. One side of him was kind, gentle, loving and caring. But there was also that violent part, seething just below the surface.

On the corner was a small grocery run by a guy who seemed to go out of his way to be rude to his customers. One day I was in there to get a newspaper, and the owner gave me a bad time, so after that I avoided the shop. But Van sometimes went in there, apparently just to hassle with the guy. On one occasion that I heard of later, the shopkeeper threatened Van with a baseball bat. But Van didn't back off. Instead, he told the guy, "You put that thing away or I'll wrap it around your neck!" The guy put the bat away.

One day, while waiting for the J-Church streetcar, I happened to notice that a sheet of plywood had been placed over one of the store windows. At the time I didn't think much of it, but a couple years later a mutual friend told me that he and Van had been walking past the store late one night when Van found a brick lying on the sidewalk. So he picked it up and put it through the window of the nasty shop owner.

That was Van. There was a capricious side to him, sometimes innocently playful, sometimes dangerously violent. Nevertheless, he hated violence, having experienced so much of it in Vietnam. "I killed seven people in Vietnam," he told me. "I killed a mother who was crying because her children were all dead."

He told me these stories remorsefully, blaming himself for having enjoyed warfare. "I loved combat," he told me many times, shaking his head. "I was so sick I loved to kill."

Van had once believed in the Vietnam War, and he was a guy who'd fight for what he believed in. He'd enlisted in the Army, volunteered for the paratroopers, and asked to be assigned to Vietnam. He spent seventeen months in combat with the 101st Airborne in 1969 and 1970. After returning from Vietnam, however, he had a complete change of heart, and joined Vietnam Veterans Against the War and took part in peace marches.

Van didn't want another GI sent to Nam because he knew that would be one more person coming back traumatized. "I don't want my little brother Sam, or anybody's little brother, to go and see what I saw or do what I did." Perhaps the thing that horrified Van most was to discover that violence and killing could be enjoyable.

Nevertheless, Van was not really political, or maybe I should say he wasn't much given to theories or analysis. When I tried to explain to him what U.S. corporations were doing around the world, and how the military was used to defend them, he would say, "What you have is an intellectual, philosophical view."

"How can you say that?" I objected.

"You weren't in Nam," he would say, as he had said time and again. "You don't know what it's like to see your buddies die in front of you."

It was clear that Van had experienced things that were truly, truly horrifying, and that's the way it was. What could I say? My experiences had been quite different from Van's. I'd spent four years in the peacetime USMC, and after that had traveled and lived in many countries of Europe and Asia, talking with people from those different places. One person who'd made a major impression on me was a Frenchman who'd fought in Algeria. Others were Japanese activists who opposed their country's military alliance with the US. I'd talked with Israeli kibbutzniks as well as with Palestinians living in the West Bank. I'd listened to them and considered their viewpoints, just as I was now listening to Van, and from all that, I'd drawn my conclusions. Nevertheless, both of us, Van and I, each in his own way, had come to oppose the war in Vietnam, and were in the same antiwar veterans group.

Our Bay Area chapter
had done several actions, and at this time we were planning another. On April 17, 1972, Van and I were part of a group of sixteen ex-GIs who occupied an Air Force recruiting office to protest the war. After three hours' occupation, Federal Marshals broke the door down and arrested us. We spent the night in jail and were bailed out the next day.

On April 21, we went back to court for a preliminary appearance and got our first look at Judge Lloyd Burke. Judge Burke sat there, just leaning on his elbow and looking bored, like an old railroad engineer gazing at the scenery along the spur he's been chugging up and down for the last twenty years. The charge was "disorderly conduct," and, using the pretext that it was a "minor offense," the judge refused us a trial by jury. When our attorney pointed out that trial by jury was a constitutional right, stated in the Sixth, Seventh and Fourteenth Amendments, Judge Burke just said, "Overruled," without even lifting his chin off his elbow, and then he set our trial dates.

To Van, it was a heavy shock. About all he could say when we got home was, "The Man just doesn't give a shit about us!" He was referring to Judge Burke.

"Did you expect him to?" I said, a bit surprised at Van's remark.

At first he didn't respond. "No, I guess not," he said at last.

I was also disappointed, but, having fewer illusions about the nature of the system, I was less surprised. "Judge Burke's a cog of the war machine," I said. "He was obviously assigned to our case for the purpose of putting some quasi-legal façade on a very dubious process. The reason for denying us a jury trial is that he doesn't want to take any chances on our getting acquitted."

Our veterans group had done a similar action some four months earlier. On that occasion we'd
occupied the offices of the South Vietnamese Consulate. That had resulted in a month-long jury trial which had ended in a verdict of 'not guilty.' So this time the powers that be apparently decided to sidestep the jury process. Perhaps Van understood my explanation, but he seemed unable to accept it. He sat there for a long time with a vacant look in his eyes.

Van probably did expect the judge to care about us. Van still believed very deeply in something he called "America." In Van's "America," there was still something left of that romantic, mythical age when you could just walk into the White House and talk with the President and tell him the problem. Van saw public officials as people who listen -- which sometimes they do on rare occasions, but not quite as often as Van seemed to think.

Five of our group, including Van and myself, went on trial a week later in the courtroom of a different judge, Judge Robert Schnacke. This judge didn't lean on his elbow, but he did reaffirm the decision to deny us our constitutional right to trial by jury, then, at the end of a two-hour session, found us all guilty.

The irony was that trial by jury is one of the most fundamental American rights which Van had supposedly fought to defend. Although it has often been wrongfully denied, as it was in our case, the right to trial by jury is an ancient principle of English and American law which existed before the U.S. Constitution was written, and even before the Thirteen Colonies were founded. It goes back to the Magna Carta of 1215 A.D., and even before.

Before sentencing we were each allowed to say a few words. Van, wearing all his medals on his fatigue jacket, stood up and began: "I was a machine gunner . . ." He told of the horrors he'd seen and even committed himself, and of his buddies he'd seen die. He told the judge that the government just had to stop sending American GIs to Vietnam. Judge Schnacke nodded as though listening. But he sentenced each of us to 30 days and fined us each $50. (We eventually paid the $50 but didn't go to jail.)

Judges Burke and Schnacke were both former prosecutors. As judges they did their job as functionaries of the same system that sends American GIs abroad to kill or be killed in defense of U.S. corporate strategy. But to Van there was no such thing as a "system" -- just America. These judges represented the America he believed in, and the experience of being denied his rights devastated him. From then on, he acted like a person utterly lost. He became so lonely that he dropped by my apartment five or ten times a day, sometimes even at one or two in the morning.

Van was something of a "doper," and occasionally I'd seen him stoned. But after appearing before those judges, he was getting stoned much of the time, as well as drunk. I'd never seen him inebriated before that. Two small glasses of wine had been his limit. But after the trial, he'd often put away half a gallon in a day. The overnight change in him was phenomenal. His war memories bothered him more and more, and he'd talk about people he'd seen killed. "Do you know what it's like to see your buddies die?" he'd keep saying, "Do you know what it's like to kill a mother who's crying because her children are all dead?"

A couple of weeks passed like this. Then, on May 18th, on his 23rd birthday, around midnight, he pounded on my door, shouting "I want to show you something!" When I opened the door I could see he was terribly upset, really angry, apparently in a violent mood. He demanded that I go with him to his place and see whatever it was that he wanted to show me. Van was not a person I cared to argue with when he was that angry; I was frightened and obediently accompanied him.

"I killed seven people in Nam," Van was saying as we entered his apartment. "I can't live with it any more!" He went to a drawer, took out a bottle of bright red pills and swallowed all of them in front of me.

Although I'd once rescued his cat from his anger, that evening I was afraid to grab the pills or do anything to stop him. Not knowing what else to do or say, I told him to sit down and take it easy. He did, and within minutes, passed out, still talking about his Vietnam memories. "I killed a woman who was crying because her children were all dead. ... You don't know what it's like to see your buddies die."

I went for help and got him to a hospital where he died a week later without ever regaining consciousness. I later learned that the red pills he'd overdosed on were Seconal, a type of sleeping pill. People also told me, "When somebody O.D.s on downers, you never want to let them sit down. You gotta keep them walking."

In a diary we found after his death, he'd written: "Vietnam left me so alone. Why or how could I take the life of a human? Why was killing humans fun? Can God forgive me?"

We gave him a veteran's antiwar funeral, with maybe thirty veterans from around the Bay Area, wearing military fatigue jackets. We buried him in his combat uniform with his service medals and his VVAW (Vietnam Veterans Against the War) button. While five veterans and the wife of a veteran carried out the coffin, everybody lined up in two rows and gave Van a clenched-fist salute.

On returning home that afternoon, I went into the vacant apartment where Van had lived until so recently. "Airborne sucks!" I called out. Van's things were gone; the place was empty now. It was an emptiness that left room for my voice to echo back and forth between the walls. I tried again, louder than before, "Only two things come out of the sky!" Again, there was an echo, a louder echo, but still only of my own voice. There was only the echo and the creaking of wooden floorboards under my feet in that old Victorian house.

DANIEL BORGSTRÖM
danielfortyone{at}gmail.com
March 22, 2013


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I first wrote Van's story shortly after he died, back in 1972. It was published in several "Underground" newspapers of the Vietnam antiwar era. Since then I've expanded and rewritten it several times over the last 41 years, most recently on 3/22/2013.


Sgt. Van Dale Todd 18 May 1949 -- 25 May 1972


related articles:


Soldiers Once

Veteran Occupiers: 1971 & 1972

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Thoughts on The Echo, heard in the old Victorian house
an email from Barbara Deutsch
March 26, 2013

The echo, and the creaking of floorboards under your feet, Daniel, in a house spoken of as old, after perhaps a hundred years. Yet that house was built from the heartwood of giant trees that had lived hundreds, perhaps thousands, of years before they were felled by invaders, falling together with Peoples whose traditions were even more ancient and more varied than those practiced by Vietnam's Peoples. The wooden boards under your feet were sliced from millennial trees synchronous with Peoples whose own Peace-time had spanned twice the age of the oldest of those trees themselves, an experience, both that of the trees and that of Peace, that never reached decline.

Barbara Deutsch


















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Passing through Afghanistan & Pakistan

Lands of the Pashtuns

by Daniel Borgström

Years ago, I met a guy who'd been in Afghanistan, and I was surprised to hear that the country really existed. I thought it was a mythical land out of a fairy tale, and I'd never heard of the Pashtuns. That was back in 1968.

With a pack on my back and a map in hand, I'd set out to see the world, starting in Norway and ending in Japan. In between I wanted to see Europe, the Middle East and India. With no time constraints and no fixed itinerary, I set off on a whimsical journey that crisscrossed parts of Europe, North Africa, and the Middle East. At the end of a year I set out for India, traveling east through Yugoslavia, Greece, Turkey and Iran.

Istanbul and Tehran were modern cities, but as I progressed eastward everything seemed to get more primitive. And also more desolate. It was like going into the back woods, except that there weren't any woods. I remember it as a dark, barren desert. Eventually I reached Afghanistan, and the first city was Herat. Women there didn't wear the veil, they wore the burqa, a garment that covered their entire body, almost down to the feet, with only a small screen over their eyes to peer out of.

Herat was a quiet, dusty town, even though it was the third largest city in Afghanistan. There seemed to be no more than half a dozen motor vehicles in the city. At the intersection of the two main streets there was a policeman, and I wondered why he stood there. Later that day I happened to see an automobile coming down the street. The policeman immediately came to life, blew his whistle and waved the vehicle through. Then I realized that he was a traffic cop. That was before the Russians, before the Taliban, before the U.S. invasion or any of that. The town might look different now, but the Herat I saw probably hadn't changed much since the middle ages.

Travelers I met along the way were a good source of information, so I knew in advance there were a couple of hotels in Herat. As in other hotels I'd stayed at, I shared a room with half a dozen other foreigners, mostly British, some Japanese, one or two Australians, everyone traveling low budget. There were no beds; we rolled out our sleeping bags and slept on the floor.

Alexander the Great is said to have passed through Herat. At the time I wondered what could have brought him to a place like this. Herat seemed to me about the most remote spot on earth. Actually, it lies on an ancient trade route, making it an important center of commerce and culture. An impressive list of famous Persian poets came from this city.

The Afghanis around Herat were Persian-speaking Tajiks. To the east of them lived the Pathans, tribesmen who'd earned fame for the bad times they'd given the British Empire. The English remembered them well and told many stories about them. One was from the First Afghan War of 1839. The British sent an army of 4,500 men to Kabul, and when the lone survivor eventually came straggling back to British India, he was asked, "Where's the rest of the Kabul Expedition?" The soldier, whose name was William Brydon, replied, "I am the rest of the Kabul Expedition."

These Pathans were also said to be remarkably gifted at gun smithing. Using only primitive tools, they were capable of producing functional copies of any sophisticated firearm they got their hands on.

After leaving Herat, I passed through Kandahar, Kabul, then descended the steep Khyber Pass into Pakistan. Few Afghanis spoke English; I met none who spoke it well enough to hold a conversation. But it was different in Pakistan, which had been part of the British Empire. There I encountered many who spoke English.

I was on my way to Peshawar, riding a bus, when a fellow sat down next to me. I continued to look out the window at the countryside, but when I glanced his way again, he had a pistol in a shoulder holster lying on his lap. He'd been wearing it all under his baggy shirt.

"This doesn't disturb you, I hope?" he said in fairly good English.

"Oh no. It doesn't disturb me at all," I assured him.

Our conversation continued. He was traveling with his brothers, who were sitting across from us, and said that he found himself obliged to carry the pistol because of an ongoing disagreement with another group. At least one person had been killed.

I asked if he were a Pathan.

"I'm a Pashtun," he corrected me.

The British called them Pathans, and so it was as Pathans that they became known to the Western world, but Pashtuns is what they called themselves.

By the time we reached the city of Peshawar, we'd become quite well acquainted. He and his brothers were continuing on northward to a certain village, and invited me to accompany them for a visit. This I did, and spent a couple of pleasant days with them.

A few days later, back in Peshawar, I met a student who showed me around his campus. He was also a Pashtun, and, like everyone else, wore an oversized khaki shirt that came nearly down to his knees. I jokingly asked him if he were carrying a pistol.

He looked at me strangely, and said, "Why do you ask that?"

"It seems like everybody around here does," I said.

Then he showed me his gun-belt.

"You too?" I said in surprise. "But why is a gun necessary?"

He assured me that his weapon was essential, but didn't say why. As we strolled around the campus he told me about student life. The school seemed much like an American one, and for a while they'd even held student body elections so they could learn the democratic way of doing things. But the school officials had ended that experiment a couple of years earlier, after the loser of a student election shot the winner.

While we were talking, we heard a gunshot. Across the courtyard from us were a group of students; they were playing around with a pistol, and it had gone off. Nobody hurt.

I asked my student friend about the famous gun smiths of this region. I mentioned the stories I'd heard of the phenomenal gift these people had for making firearms. "Is it true, what they say?"

"Of course it's true. Would you like to see a place where guns are made?"

Naturally I did.

It was a small workshop. Two or three craftsmen sat cross-legged on the floor, working with rather simple tools. One was making a shotgun, another a revolver.

I wondered about the metallurgy and the general quality of these weapons. On one occasion I saw a fellow attempt to fire a pistol in the air and it didn't go off, so I must think that some were not too well-made. Presumably the craftsmanship varied from shop to shop.

The Pashtuns were an extremely interesting people and I've often wished I'd stayed longer in that region. One thing that impressed me about them was that they were rather quiet, extremely gentle and courteous. In a land where many people carry pistols and are so ready to use them, I suppose people tend to be more polite.


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The above article, Passing through Afghanistan & Pakistan by Daniel Borgström, was published in

SAHAR, The Voice of the Pashtuns, issue of February 2010
http://www.khyberwatch.com/Sahar/2010/Sahar_Feb_2010.pdf

The Berkeley Daily Planet, issue of November 25, 2009

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Between the Crosses

by Daniel Borgström
This essay is in the October 2005 issue of Z Magazine


The Marine Corps
didn't send me to Vietnam, so I came home in one piece, un-killed and un-maimed. I went on to trek around the world for a few years. Eventually I settled down to participate in the antiwar movement of that era.

But it could have been otherwise. After all, people who volunteer to fight those wars do sometimes get what they ask for. I've come to think a lot about that since this May when I attended a forum where Cindy Sheehan spoke. Cindy Sheehan is the mother of a GI who died in Iraq. “To make sense of his death I have to try to stop the war," she said. Her son, Casey, chose to go to Iraq, presumably believing that he was part of a liberation force, bringing freedom to Arabs and defending our country from terrorists.

That was also the sort of thing I believed 46 years ago when I joined the USMC. Of course we weren't fighting terrorism back then, but I certainly believed that as a GI I'd be defending our country and our freedoms. All that and a lot more. I grew up reading books and stories about World War II: "Last Man off Wake Island," "Guadalcanal Diary," and numerous others. Not that those are bad books, but I really did buy into every military myth on the market.

However, during my four years of active duty relatively few GIs were sent to Vietnam. There were some 3,000 in Vietnam by the end of 1961 and 11,000 a year later. I volunteered to go. So did almost everyone else in my outfit, but in those days war zones were a scarce item, and the supply of volunteers far exceeded the demand. So, I spent four years walking guard posts, shining my shoes for the next inspection, doing mess duty (the thing the army calls "KP"), and stuff like that.

I got my discharge in 1963, and it wasn't until two years later that they began to increase the number of GIs in Vietnam to over a hundred thousand. I feel I made very good use of those two years--I took classes, traveled abroad, spoke with people in other countries, also read books. By then I'd begun to suspect that our government had no right to be in Vietnam; I was no longer so ready to volunteer for such military adventures. I did not return to the Marine Corps.

Having made the wrong decision the first time, it turned out I got a second chance to re-decide the matter, and this time I got it right. But I know it could've been otherwise. There's a "what if" thing that sort of haunts me. Given a somewhat different life-scenario, I might've re-enlisted, gone to Nam and gotten killed there.

What distresses me most, however, is a question that really hit me a couple of months ago when I heard Cindy Sheehan speak out for her KIA son. Had I died in Nam, who would’ve spoken for me?

My mother never encouraged me to join the USMC, but she accepted my wish to do so. On her door window she used to have a sticker reading, "My son is a Marine." Years later, she was tolerant of my antiwar views, but less supportive. She always voted Republican. It bothered me to think that if I had died in Vietnam, she would've continued to vote Republican.

Recently I happened to read a poem by John McCrae. McCrae was a soldier who died in the First World War, shortly after penning a short message which he left to the world. It begins:

"In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row."

I read on, thinking this was a very poignant antiwar poem, until I reached the third stanza, which exhorts other people to:

"Take up our quarrel with the foe"

How could he say such a thing? But the thought crosses my mind that had things gone differently, I could've been such a soldier, dying and leaving poetry urging others to continue the dying. For an awfully bad cause. (From what I can see, nothing good came out of the First World War; millions died, only to set the stage for Mussolini, Hitler and another world war.)

Not everybody gets that second chance. Supposing I hadn't. Who then would've spoken for me? This week I read again of Cindy Sheehan, somewhere out there under the hot Texas sun, camped out on the road to Bush's doorstep, demanding answers.

"I want to ask the president, why did he kill my son?" Cindy Sheehan told reporters. "He said my son died in a noble cause, and I want to ask him what that noble cause is."

More people are heading to Texas to join her in her vigil. They, and others of the antiwar movement, speak for those who don't get that second chance.

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Zwischen den Kreuzen

von Daniel Borgström
ZNet 31.08.2005
[Übersetzt von: Andrea Noll | Orginalartikel: Between the Crosses]


Das Marine Corps hat mich nicht nach Vietnam geschickt. Das ist der Grund, weshalb ich an einem Stück nach Hause kam - lebendig und ohne Behinderung. Ich reiste ein paar Jahre durch die Welt. Dann ließ ich mich nieder, um mich aktiv in die damalige Antikriegsbewegung einzubringen.

Es hätte auch anders kommen können. Wer sich freiwillig für solche Kriege meldet, bekommt manchmal, was er herausfordert. Seit Mai denke ich häufig an diese Dinge - seit ich eine Veranstaltung besucht habe, auf der Cindy Sheehan sprach. Sie ist die Mutter eines im Irak gefallenen GIs. “Ich muss versuchen, diesen Krieg zu stoppen, damit sein Tod einen Sinn bekommt”, so Sheehan. Ihr Sohn Casey ging in den Irak, weil er wohl glaubte, Teil einer Befreiungsarmee zu sein, sein Land vor Terroristen zu verteidigen und den Arabern die Freiheit zu bringen.

Vor 46 Jahren habe ich ziemlich ähnlich gedacht und bewarb mich für das USMC (United States Marine Corps). Natürlich kämpften wir damals nicht gegen den Terror. Aber als GI stand für mich fest, ich verteidige mein Land und unsere Freiheit - das und einiges mehr. In meiner Jugend hatte ich viele Bücher und Stories über den Zweiten Weltkrieg geschmökert: ‘Last Man off Wake Island’, ‘Guadalcanal Diary’, usw.. Ich will nicht behaupten, das seien alles schlechte Bücher, aber ich fiel auf jeden Militärmythos herein, den der Markt hergab.

4 Jahre aktiver Militärdienst folgten. Damals wurden noch relativ wenige GIs nach Vietnam geschickt. Bis Ende 1961 waren es 3 000, ein Jahr später 11 000. Ich hatte mich freiwillig nach Vietnam gemeldet - wie fast alle in meiner Truppe. Es gab nicht viele Kriegsschauplätze - und viel mehr Freiwillige als gebraucht wurden. Also schob ich 4 Jahre lang Wachdienst (damit beschäftigt, meine Schuhe für die nächste Inspektion zu polieren) oder Kantinendienst (die Armee nennt das “KP”), Dinge dieser Art.

1963 wurde ich aus dem Militärdienst entlassen. Erst zwei Jahre später stockte man die GIs in Vietnam auf mehr als Hunderttausend auf. Ich denke, ich habe meine zwei Jahre gut genutzt. Ich bildete mich fort, unternahm Reisen ins Ausland, kommunizierte mit Menschen in anderen Ländern, las Bücher. Und allmählich dämmerte es mir, unsere Regierung hat kein Recht, in Vietnam zu sein. Anders als früher, war ich nicht mehr bereit, mich freiwillig auf ein derartiges militärisches Abenteuer einzulassen. Ich kehrte nicht zu den Marines zurück.

Ich hatte einmal eine Fehlentscheidung getroffen, jetzt hatte ich eine zweite Chance. Ich bekam die Chance, mich neu zu entscheiden, und diesmal machte ich alles richtig. Ich weiß, es hätte anders laufen können. “Was wäre gewesen, wenn” - ein Gedanke, der mich verfolgt. Wäre mein Leben in etwas anderen Bahnen verlaufen, ich hätte mich vielleicht wieder zum Militär gemeldet, wäre nach Nam gekommen und getötet worden.

Am meisten erschüttert mich die Frage - sie traf mich wie ein Blitz, als ich Cindy Sheehan im vergangenen Mai zuhörte, wie sie sich für ihren KIA-Sohn einsetzte -, wäre ich damals in Vietnam gestorben, wer hätte für mich gesprochen?

Meine Mutter hätte mich nie ermutigt, zu den Marines zu gehen, aber sie akzeptierte meinen Wunsch. Unsere Haustür hatte eine Scheibe, auf die klebte sie den Sticker: ‘Mein Sohn ist ein Marine‘. Später tolerierte sie meine Ansichten gegen den Krieg zwar, aber sie unterstützte mich nie so wie damals. Meine Mutter hat immer republikanisch gewählt. Der Gedanke, dass sie unbeirrt weiter republikanisch gewählt hätte, auch wenn ich in Vietnam gefallen wäre, ist beunruhigend.

Vor kurzem bin ich auf ein Gedicht von John McCrae gestoßen - ein Soldat im Ersten Weltkrieg. Kurz nachdem er diese Zeilen schrieb - seine Kurzbotschaft an die Welt - ging sein Leben zu Ende.

“In Flanders Fields the poppies (Klatschmohn) grow Between the crosses (Totenkreuze), row on row”.

Ich machte mich auf ein pointiertes Antikriegsgedicht gefasst, stattdessen fährt McCrae in der dritten Strophe fort:

“Take up our quarrel with the foe (Führt unseren Streit mit dem Feind weiter)

Es ist eine Aufforderung. Wie konnte McCrae nur, denke ich. Dann kommt mir in den Sinn: Wären die Dinge für mich damals etwas anders gelaufen, ich hätte dieser Soldat sein können: ein Sterbender, der der Welt ein Gedicht hinterlässt, mit dem er andere aufruft, macht mit dem Sterben weiter. Und wozu? Für eine furchtbar miese Sache (ich kann dem Ersten Weltkrieg nichts Positives abgewinnen, was soll er Gutes gebracht haben? Millionen von Toten, nur, um Hitler, Mussolini und dem nächsten Krieg die Bühne zu bereiten).

Nicht jeder bekommt seine zweite Chance. Nehmen wir einmal an, ich hätte sie nicht bekommen. Wer hätte für mich gesprochen? Diese Woche las ich über Cindy Sheehan. Sie ist irgendwo da draußen, unter der sengenden Sonne von Texas und campt neben der Straße - auf Mr. Bushs Türschwelle sozusagen - und fordert Antworten.

“Ich möchte den Präsidenten fragen, warum haben Sie meinen Sohn getötet?” sagt Sheehan zu Reportern. “Er sagte, mein Sohn sei für eine noble Sache gestorben. Ich möchte ihn fragen, was für eine noble Sache war das?”

Immer mehr Menschen eilen nach Texas, um ihr bei ihrer Mahnwache zu helfen. Sie und die Mitglieder der Antikriegsbewegung sprechen für jene, die keine zweite Chance bekamen.

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